WORDS TO LIVE BY

"Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."

Carol Burnett (1933 - )

Carol Burnett is living proof that you can change your life. Born of alcoholic parents and raised by her grandmother, she stumbled into acting in college while studying to be a writer. With her mother's harsh words still lingering in her ears, "You can always write, no matter what you look like", she took the stage, having to as part of her curriculum - and the audience loved her comedic display.

Said Burnett, "All of a sudden, after so much coldness and emptiness in my life, I knew the sensation of all that warmth wrapping around me. I had always been a quiet, shy, sad sort of girl and then everything changed for me. You spend the rest of your life hoping you'll hear a laugh that great again."

There is no need to be the mold of someone else's ideal. Pay attention to (supposed) coincidence and chance, and move when inspired. 

Make your life be what you want it to be.

A LIFE SHARED

Thirty-seven years ago today, I married my best friend, my husband. How does a love last so long? Understanding - Compromise - Laughter

A Life Shared

 My, oh my how time does fly

I look back and I think

On all the times of life we’ve had

Such memories that I keep.

We were mere children when we met

So very long ago

Searching for that friend for life

For love, could we make it so?

Trouble here and trouble there

We both had our share

Bad times, sad times, mad times too

Even so you always cared.

Looking back on friends we miss

Some family forever gone

Loves that failed, children derailed,

You and me we never let go.

Hand in hand we’d walk this land

Never to be alone

A promise made so long ago

The same as written in stone.

We’ve had this one life to live

And with nothing had it all

Me and you we always knew

Stay true and neither would fall.

To this in retrospect my love

Best friend forever more

As we grow old in each other's arms

My love for you still soars!

An original poem by Nancy Elizabeth Luz (C) 2011

85 %

I have read that 85% of American families are dysfunctional. The criteria that was used to define 'dysfunctional' was never revealed, but suffice it to say that most of us do not come from the ideal and ever-perfect family. 

That said, and being that we are overall the byproduct of dysfunctionality, do we also contribute? Do we look everywhere but internally while claiming dysfunctional! As Michael Jackson sang, "I'm starting with the man in the mirror."

Much of behavior is learned - think back to Pavlov's dogs. According to modern psychology, "...people can learn to associate neutral stimuli (such as smell or sounds) that produce reflexive, involuntary responses (such as salivation or feelings of serenity or anxiety)." For me, I get a nostalgic feeling and a deep serenity every time I hear a twin engine plane drone overhead. The feeling is intensified if it is raining lightly. On the other hand, the buzzing of a wasp or the voice of a certain someone... 

Hmm... Does just the sound of the shrill voice of a relative also send you into a spin? Does the sight of your cousin's car pulling into your driveway send you into a depression? Do you react historically, in a Pavlov's dogs reaction?

When we manifest a conditioned response (our reaction) we give perpetual life to the unwanted behavior by others (the trigger, or in psych terms - the stimuli). It's a give and take, a merry-go-round that is not at all merry. Someone annoys you and so you push their buttons. Maybe you say nothing and the perpetrator goes unchallenged. What does this do? It gives the situation strength and endurability. Psychologists would say the conditioned response (you) becomes a 'reinforcer' and gives ongoing life to whatever dysfunctional interaction is in play.

Finding a way out of this kind of trap and calling 'game over' is one of the hardest things a person can do. No one wants to alienate or insult another, especially if these people are family or close acquaintances, and standing up for ourselves can be difficult. 

So, for some great tips on how to handle difficult people (while keeping yourself sane), check out this link for a fascinating look into human behavior types and the most effective way to interact with them.

https://www.deepakchopra.com/blog/article/4497

Perhaps we can get that 85% down a little!

  

THE ROLES WE PLAY

Today is Memorial Day, a time to remember those who have gone before us and to honor our veterans, those still with us and those already passed on. We thank you.

It is also a time for getting together with family. Picnics, volleyball, lots of fun, and it is families that I want to address today. You see, most of us lose who we have become when we gather with those that were involved in our 'bringing up'. Whether you are a parent or a child or a sibling, you resort to how it was and who you were - the role you either played or the role that was placed upon you.

With friends you become who you are. With family it is too easy to be trapped by who you were.

Think back to the activities of this long weekend or to the last time you got together with family or friends. Is it true? How can you change if you don't like the 'family role' you have been assigned, if it is no longer who you are?

I have a friend who is physically beautiful (inside as well as out), but she dresses down, almost frumpy at family gatherings, afraid that she will get untoward attention should she truly reveal who she has become - an intelligent beautiful woman. I also know of a young adult who reverts to being 'the introvert' because this person's family is critical, lovingly critical but critical nevertheless, and so it is easier to take a background seat, fade back, avoid. Even worse, what about the person who is attacked (verbally) at every family gathering, in a joking way - that cuts like a knife? What to do?

The first step? "First tell yourself what you want to be; and then do what you need to do." 

Epictetus (55-135 AD)

Epictetus believed that suffering occurs from trying to control what is uncontrollable, or from neglecting what is within our power. So make the change. Be strong.

"At the heart of your being lies your answer. You know who you are and what you want."

Laozi (Zhou Dynasty 1046–256 BC)

What serves you best is to be who you are. Speak your mind. Show your intelligence. Refute the child in you if being that child no longer serves you. It may be hard for you, and a shock to the dynamic. But change takes courage. Asserting yourself in a kind and nonthreatening way is wisdom in motion.

COLLISIONS

"Life is a series of collisions with the future; 

it is not the sum of what we have been, but what we yearn to be."

Jose' Ortega Y Gasset (1883-1955)

AND SO IT IS

And So It Is

When I’m alone

My thoughts they roam

With no apparent plan.

Sometimes I try

But away they fly

Stay focused? I rarely can.

But are we supposed

To always show

An end result for a thought?

Or maybe we

Are supposed to be

Exactly how we are.

An original poem by Nancy Elizabeth Luz (c) 2011

Yesterday the discussion was about staying focused. That the ability to focus is what constitutes success. I still believe that is true, but focusing on being focused all the time, not only is exhausting it's impossible. 

So enjoy those times that a wandering mind demands. Creativity bubbles up when the mind is at rest. The key? Balance. When creativity strikes, that's the time to act. 

Realizing your dream may take a concentrated effort; but if your dream contains the spirit of you, it will be like no effort at all - more like flowing with the stream, riding the wind, sailing the current.

"Through work you charge all things you fashion with the breath of your own spirit."  

Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)

Make every effort the spirit of you. 

DISCIPLINE

Discipline: to train oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way.  It is something we all strive for, know we should be better at, or fail miserably when attempting to be so. 

A good source of self-inflicted guilt, discipline can hang over our heads like a black cloud.

Maybe that's because the other meaning behind the word contains punishment. Discipline also means: to train someone to obey rules or codes of behavior, utilizing punishment to correct disobedience. 

No wonder we so easily resist discipline. We wouldn't punish ourselves! We can get away with not doing, right?

But we do punish ourselves, through guilt. When I began these writings I was determined to write six days a week, taking only Saturdays off. And I did well for a while. Then the lens became less focused. Entries felt repetitious. Readership leveled. Does a lack of vision promote complacency? Does complacency make me feel guilty when I don't write? 

You see, discipline involves focus. An ideal must be set. Regarding Smiles, Frowns, and Kisses, I was hoping the vision would become clearer the more I wrote. And in some regard it did, but not to the degree required. 

And so, as the actor Alan Rickman (1946- ) says:

"There's a voice inside you that tells you what you should do."

And so I focus again. Re-focusing must be key. 

The future for Smiles, Frowns, and Kisses is feelings. It's what life is about is it not? We smile. We frown. We love. Feelings are what drives behavior, makes us who we are - and can cause more confusion than we may want to acknowledge. So let's tackle that. 

My original goal in starting this blog was to help people recognize their importance - to their friends and families, to themselves, and in the world - a world in which not all is equal.

So, I urge you as I urge myself:

"The first and best victory is to conquer self." 

Plato (427 BC-327 BC)

See you tomorrow.